Dear 90s Aquaman



Dear 90s Aquaman,

There’s a lot to be said about what happened to you in the 1990s. Surely the king of Atlantis can afford a shirt. Or at least he could afford armor that covered more than just his right boob area. I always thought the spear hand was kinda cool, and the fact that you could shoot it and it had a retractable cable was even cooler. I always wondered why you didn’t replace your other hand with one and then go swinging through the city like Spider-Man with them. There’s also the question of why you don’t just have a robotic hand. Superman can build a cyborg that acts just like him, Professor Ivo can make a robot capable of copying the Justice League’s powers, T.O. Morrow can make a robot that’s also a wind elemental or something, scientists are able to piece back Victor Stone’s body with mechanic parts to make the superhero Cyborg, but not one person can figure out how to make a water proof robot hand?

And the beard makes me question how Atlantians shave. Do you have sinks? Do you use some sort of shaving cream that’s not water-soluble?  Do you command various lobsters and crabs to cut your hair with their claws for you, turning your everyday life into an underwater episode of The Flintstones?

Keith McGuffey

About Keith McGuffey

Exposed to dangerous levels of toxic radiation after his home planet exploded, Keith McGuffey’s spaceship crash landed on Earth! Developing super powers derived from his connection to the mystical Amethyst of Kashyyyk and trained in martial arts by his mysterious sensei Stalk, Keith McGuffey would grow up to become… Keith McGuffey!
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