Dear Captain Marvel,
You’re such a cool superhero. Seriously. Remember when you beat up Superman by yelling, “SHAZAM!” and holding him over your head so he got struck by lightning? Or the time you quelled a volcanic eruption by capping the top with a boulder and digging tunnels through the base of the mountain for the pressure to escape? Or the time you beat up a bunch of Tommy gun wielding crocodiles? I am a little sad that I aged well past my playground superhero antics before I discovered how amazing you are. You’re like elementary role playing gold. Permit me to demonstrate:
• Clark Kent has to look all over for telephone booth to change into his digs. Fuck that. No kid wants to spend all of recess making sure nobody looks at him so he can fight aliens. SHAZAM! Ready to go.
• Giant yellow fire breathing robot full of Kryptonite attacking the city? Green Lantern, Martian Manhunter and Superman are completely useless. Luckily, Captain Marvel has, like, zero weaknesses. You’re like the cheat code of superheroes. What’s Lex Luthor going to do to you? Rub your face into the dirt until you say, “Uncle”?
• It’s hard trying to come up with supervillains to fight with when you’re still trying to learn what divisions is (also grammer. And spelling). The Atomic Washing Machine just seemed out of place fighting the X Men. Luckily, your villains are so bat shit insane, you can literally make up ANYTHING and it seems like a good idea. A dimension eating moth? A bald, glue-wielding super scientist? The Monster Society of Evil? The sky is the limit for a bunch of ragtag kids that don’t like to think too much about their villains.
• Teacher always got mad when we kept playing superhero in the classroom. She wouldn’t let me take pictures during class like Peter Parker (mostly because it was disruptive, partially because I didn’t own a camera) but she couldn’t stop me from being an average kid! You’re alter ego was essentially eight year old me!
• Since your powers run off magic, you can totally beat the piss out of that kid that thought that because he was Superman he could just use the rest of us Justice Leaguers as meat shields. By the way, I still hate you, David, and I will have my revenge.
So in summary, please be more popular with young people.