Dear The Kid That Had Heart On Captain Planet,
Do you realize how much you suck? The only good part about you is that you have a pet monkey. It’s named Suchi, which I believe is pronounced, fittingly, “suck-ee”. And it’s not even an awesome monkey like Monkey from Dexter’s Laboratory, it’s just a monkey. When your monkey, who literally does nothing but be a monkey while you have a ring that’s supposed to control a fundamental elemental force of the planet, is less suck-filled than you, that’s a problem.
What bothers me is that your power is essentially just telepathy. But you don’t use it in a cool way like Professor X or that cop on Heroes, you just use it to talk to your teammates when they all get separated. You are essentially a cell phone.
I am ending this letter now because I’ve just come up with an amazing idea, and if I spend too much time cleverly weaving together a tapestry of metaphors describing how much you suck (like a mosquito prostitute with four hungry mouths to feed and a deadbeat larva-daddy that hasn’t paid child support in nine years, by the way), I will lose it.
Dear Ted Turner,
Please kill off the kid that had heart on Captain Planet and give his monkey a cell phone.