Either The Oscar Showcase kind of spoiled us or there just weren’t any movies worth seeing between February and May. You decide. We’ve seen a few summer movies though, and thought we’d give a rundown:
HE SAW: [Spoilers] I have like three comics with this symbolic picture of Jor-el and Lara watching their baby take off in a spaceship toward Earth, they robbed me of that moment in this movie by changing the events of the last days of Krypton a little too much. Did I see Christopher Reeves in a scene for just a split second? Even with all her intrepid reporting skills, I don’t think Lois could trace random strange events around the country & back to the Kent farm. Well, not until Zod’s spaceship showed up there. But don’t get me wrong, I loved this movie and want to see it again and I’m looking forward sequels. But I had problems with Zod’s motivation, Superman’s resolution and these three missing words, “Kneel before Zod!”.
Though no huge fan of superhero movies (obviously, I go for him), I did like Man of Steel. I do have a few questions though:
1. Hey Lois, why are you wearing leggings in a sub-zero climate? I mean, weren’t you worried about hypothermia or at least frostbite? Clearly fashion over function. Maybe you also write for the Life and Style section of The Daily Planet. And why is your voice “like the mice in Cinderella? I hate that!”
2. Hey Zod, why would you want Earth to be more like Krypton? Dirty and high tech without any modern comforts? Oh, and by the way, if you guys are so technologically superior, why didn’t you clean up that place and make it a more comfortable place to live? Maybe Lois Lane can give you some decorating tips.
3. Hey Superman, is a romantic moment in the midst of so much recent death and destruction really appropriate? Maybe take her on a date before the first kiss…preferably one without an attempt at alien invasion/takeover.
HE SAW: I cried like a scared little girl. Luckily, my feminine yet strong and courageous wife was there to save me. (Ha ha or lol, whateva). I didn’t read the book and I think it helped me enjoy it better. Don’t go see this thinking about the book, you will be sorely disappointed. Instead think of it as a standalone zombie movie. Brad Pitt is as believable as a U.N. Operative (or whatever he was) as Angelina Jolie would be as Mother Theresa. Seriously, Brad Pitt as a homeless person woulda’ been way more believable. Spoiler: It would be the first time you’d be happy for your husband to come back from a trip with a disease!
SHE SAW: Okay Max Brooks fans, calm down for a minute. I loved An Oral History too, but imagine trying to make that movie! And just think, now there’s plenty of material left for a sequel! World War Z was super suspenseful and scary, everything you’d want in a zombie movie. Just when you were getting used to the slow-moving zombies you can poke through a fence (yeah, I’m talking to you, “The Walking Dead”), these biters would scale that fence and hurl themselves at you before you could say, “Get in the house, Carl!” And in spite of the improbable ending, you won’t even mind that Brad Pitt is in it!
HE SAW: I thought this movie was funny; McCarthy’s so good and mean, Bullock’s still America’s Sweetheart. The improv didn’t go too far over the top and didn’t get in the way of the movie. I didn’t see the two characters as getting as close as sisters, but oh well.
Best part of The Heat, without question…Melissa McCarthy. She is hilarious! I think maybe Sandra Bullock thought she was in Miss Congeniality 3 though. She is beautiful, but how can anyone who wears Spanx even though she doesn’t even need it really be America’s Sweetheart? I mean, c’mon!
He Saw: What the f*ck did Disney do to my legend? I didn’t have high expectations once I heard Johnny Depp was playing Tonto, but they didn’t even come close to meeting my lowered expectations. I knew the Lone Ranger would be the second banana, but I didn’t know they’d make him a reluctant, half-wit, tripping his way through the adventure. The studio obviously got Depp on board and wrote around him. They even shoe-horned in Tim Burton’s wife, probably at Depp’s insistence. He in no way resembled any version of Tonto, he played his vision of a Native American that he saw in a photo. This coulda’ been so much better! Recommend reading the Lone Ranger comic from Dynamite Entertainment by Brett Matthews and Sergio Cariello. Issues 1-6 were a great retelling of the origin, action packed with solid characters & no second bananas. I’m going back and re-reading them again. I might even watch a good ol’ “Lone Ranger” episode with Clayton Moore and Jay Silverheels to help me forget that I watched this movie.
Did I want to see this movie? Did I ever watch “The Lone Ranger” as a kid? Did I like this version of The Lone Ranger? Answer: No. To all three questions. If this had been set in Canada, Armie Hammer would have made a great Dudley Do-Right (and while we’re at it, what kind of name is Armie Hammer?). Too bad Brendan Frasier already made that movie. And I didn’t even bother to see that one. And if it were set in the Caribbean… oh yeah, Johnny Depp, you’ve already played the odd yet lovable scene stealing sidekick with an accent. And I still haven’t figured out why Helena Bonham Carter was in this movie. Maybe it really is all in who you know…